Australia: Once written off as little more than brainless yard-wreckers destined to vanish with natural selection, the brush turkey has somehow pulled off the impossible — not only surviving but thriving in the middle of Brisbane and just about everywhere else it pleases.
Wildlife historians point out the bird, which looks like a half-burnt ibis paired with the intelligence of a goldfish, was almost driven out by farmers, developers, and pretty much anyone who had to share space with it. But back in the seventies, a wave of well-meaning conservationists slapped it with protected status. The result? Now the rest of us are stuck with the things forever.
“They’re as dumb as rocks and afraid of absolutely nothing,” sighed local resident Colin Cowan, whose front yard has become a permanent construction site thanks to one stubborn turkey.
“I paid a bloke off Gumtree $200 last year to scare one off. All he did was let his dachshunds bark at it. That worked for about an hour, then it strutted straight back like nothing happened. The council said too bad, and when I called the cops, they told me if I touched it, they’d deal with me personally in the back corridor of the station where there’s no cameras. So I guess I just have to live with it.”
Meanwhile, experts say the bird’s unlikely rise to power should serve as a wake-up call to thousands of country kids once told the only way to succeed was moving to the big smoke.
“For decades, bush kids were told to chase their dreams in the city,” explained Dr. Leigh Bartram of South Betoota Polytechnic College. “But here you’ve got brush turkeys doing it without a degree, without a trade, and without even being able to recognise their own reflection. If they can make it in Brisbane, what’s your excuse?”
That kind of tough-love pep talk isn’t much comfort to Cowan, though.
“They prove you don’t need brains to make it in the city,” he muttered. “You just need some bongo-slapping uni type to decide you’re worth saving. Maybe that’s where I stuffed up.”